The Four Musketeers

Danskin Triathlon September 18

It Was All a Plot.
That much was clear, but the rest was mud

Said Ann:
Oh Jenny, I am so pleased to see you wrote this letter that I won't even refute it! It tells me that we successfully completed the job we set out to do when we started our road trip--i.e. corrupt you and take away your innocence forever. It is clear you are "over the edge" and are now "one of us". Welcome to the Breakfast Club of triathletes.

Said Ruth:
The Hotel
We have a reservation.
Clerk: For how many hours?
That was the first hint of what was to come. But all was well; the light bulbs were replaced, the smells dispersed, extra blankets provided floor cushioning, the broken window was a blessing in deep disguise as we transferred objects, bikes, and humans through it without having to resort to inconvenient doors.
The Restaurant
We had a true Super-size experience and I got to watch a Heimlich manouver performed on one of the clientele's age 90+ population. Clearly, it was night out for the local retirement community to which I should belong.
The Transportation
Okay, I won't say a word. Promise. He really was a very nice police officer, younger than Ann's son, and he clearly recognized it was Mom and he shouldn't be disrespectful. Whew.
The Social Aspect
heh heh heh. Yes, Marvin, we did the corrupting thing and Jenny will never be the same. And I don't mean just all our potty talk although that was impressive. It was our Oprah stuff. Let's play the Blame Game and take turns being Dr.Phil. Any male who has crossed our watery paths, especially, got to be part of the game.
The Race
Oh, yeah, that too. So what was that all about? Whose idea was that anyway?
Swim: The water was crazy. The stroke was unrecognizable. One arm one way, the other ?, the view zero; how did we ever get to the end? and what reassuring words will I have to tell Jenny when she says she came to her senses in spite of us and got the hell out of that rinse cycle as fast as she could stroke backwards.
Bicycling: wow, 20 mph, am I great or what? passing left and left (Ann was probably passing left and right and Martha just running over anyone who got in her way, as is her wont). Then the turn-around. I forgot wind goes in only one direction.
The Run: I pretended to do it. Everyone flew by me. I am pathetic. What am I doing here? I'll go back to the restaurant and get the address of that old people's asylum where I clearly belong. I am unworthy. Listen to the applause and yelling and bells and whistles and really screaming at the finish. All for me. Yay! She's still upright. Like Leonard Cohen sings in Closing Time, she's a hunerd but she's wearing somethin' tight

Said Martha:
I see that Ruth has already spun her tale of our weekend adventures. I’ve not yet read her account, so here is my un-influenced version. Enjoy the bad grammar. Three or was it four bottles of wine? I can’t remember. All I remember is crawling out of the broken hotel window at 5am because Ruth had lost her wallet and didn’t have her credit card to pay for the room. It was a good thing that the lights in the room didn’t work because it kept the police from finding Ann who was impersonating an officer with her driving skills. All that wine made the swim feel like we were battling 5 foot swells. Next year we might have to sacrifice and keep it to one or two bottles. Maybe if Ruth and Ann would have allowed Jenny and I to eat on Saturday, the wine wouldn’t have affected us as much as it did and we wouldn’t have been so silly and done that silly thing that we did. Well, I’d write about it, but then there’d be a paper trail and I might run for office some day and just can’t afford that skeleton to get out. I didn’t mean to throw my water bottle at that lady, but she wouldn’t get out of my way. At least she was wearing a helmet. Maybe I’ll install a horn on my bike for next year because I really needed that water to wash down the mouthfuls of saltwater I swallowed. Ann appears to have raced the best of the quartet. Not only did she easily win her age group again this year, she did it with a 50% reduction in training. I know that Ann is a bit disappointed that our trip was not more eventful. She tried really hard even making us sweat through the last 25 miles of the trip to see how far her SUV could go on gas fumes only. All in all we had a wonderful time and I know you boys were wishing you could have been a gal for this weekend. We laughed so hard and so much that we are now slightly incontinent. I’m still chuckling. Enjoy your day

Said Jenny:
I was thinking about what I wrote to you the other day about my triathlon
experience. I think what I wrote sort of glossed over how arm-twisting these
women are. Theses ladies would not take no for an answer no matter how much
I pleaded and begged not to do the race. They summed up all of their judeo-catholic powers of guilt and made me feel I had no choice.Then they bound and gagged me, threw me in the back of a van (which, unfortunately,
the cops didn't detect... but he knew something fishy was going on) and hid me in a shady, off-the-main-road hotel. They avoided a lot of attention in the lobby by sneaking in and out of the hotel window. We left in the morning at 5 am under the cover of darkness. Then I can't believe how three grown-up women would just carelessly toss an innocent person into a stormy sea to be eaten by sharks and drown! ("Swim Jenny swim! Faster!") What I learned on my summer vacation: the female power of manipulation!


Overall Rank Class Rank Swim Swim Rank Trans1 Bike Bike Rank MPH Trans2 Run Run Rank Pace Final
11 of 929 1 of 132 00:12:54 38 00:02:21 00:29:36 8 21.8 00:00:48 00:22:05 12 00:07:07 01:07:45
Overall Rank Class Rank Swim Swim Rank Trans1 Bike Bike Rank MPH Trans2 Run Run Rank Pace Final
48 of 929 1 of 45 00:14:14 82 00:02:45 00:33:42 80 19.2 00:01:13 00:25:47 119 00:08:19 01:17:44
Overall Rank Class Rank Swim Swim Rank Trans1 Bike Bike Rank MPH Trans2 Run Run Rank Pace Final
131 of 929 22 of 111 00:18:16 424 00:04:03 00:36:32 225 17.7 00:00:41 00:24:45 69 00:07:59 01:24:20
Overall Rank Class Rank Swim Swim Rank Trans1 Bike Bike Rank MPH Trans2 Run Run Rank Pace Final
546 of 929 1 of 1 00:18:21 431 00:03:15 00:39:10 392 16.5 00:01:40 00:40:01 786 00:12:54 01:42:29